Know Your New Ambassadors! 1st In A Series

Somers Farkas disproves the old money-can't-buy-happiness thing. Our new Matron of Malta is livin' the life.

According to “KD Hamptons” — “The Luxury Lifestyle Diary of the Hamptons” — our new representative to a Mediterranean archipelago nation best known for being where “Gladiator” was filmed, is a former model and current One-Percent-World good-time girl who maintains that her two current “Occupations” are “philanthropy,” and “being the wife of Jonathan Farkas,” the heir to the Alexander’s Department store fortune. She’s his third wife. Here they are recently in their natural habitats.

She admits that her daytime attire is less formal: “My day uniform in the summer is typically a bathing suit, Calypso wrap or fantastic caftan by Mark and James, Naeem Khan, or Mr. Blass.”

Of her philosophy in life: “Though you will often encounter abundance, remember there are others who are in need.”

Thanks to her $300,000 donation to Trump’s 2020 campaign, Somers’s duties vis a vis Malta

will now include, among other things:

a) staying on top of the Central Mediterranean Security Initiative to keep Libya at bay;

b) maintaining strong economic ties so that the US can continue to buy $214 million worth of Malta’s integrated circuits and low-voltage protection equipment annually, in return for us selling them $87 million worth of “airplanes, helicopters and spacecraft,” although Malta doesn’t yet have an actual space program. (How much does $87 million buy of a single spacecraft, anyway? The door? They probably sell whatever the component is to China at a considerable mark-up anyway, and everyone is happy);

and

c) overseeing Malteser imports.

Just kidding. Maltesers are British. Named for “malt.” They have nothing to do with Malta. The American version is Whoppers

But all kidding aside, seriously, as a “Communications” major (i) at UVa., is she qualified? Well, you think? First, her family foundation gives money to maintain the ecology of Tidewater Virginia, which has tons of beaches, just like Malta.

Secondly, she probably had to watch “The Maltese Falcon” in her UVa film class to satisfy the “liberal arts” requirement of her study.

Thirdly, she enjoys “picking roadside pumpkins,” out in the Hamptons in the fall, and Malta’s cucurbita pepo, which is almost a pumpkin, grows wild.

Basically, as soon as she masters Maltese, the only diglossian Semitic and Afroasiatic language of the EU, used by 98% of the population, “communication” with the natives will be a snap.

Also, her Linked-In profile says she’s “Founder & CEO, SW FARKAS Strategic Relationship and Development at Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office,” so.

But a few questions:

Did she ask Trump for the single least important ambassadorship available because she’s always been fascinated with the nation’s megalithic temples, and how the Papal-mercenary band of the Knights of Saint John managed to run the place in the name of Catholicism for 250 years, with Spain’s approval?

Or had she always wanted to see the Ħal Saflieni Hypogeum, a subterranean complex of halls and burial chambers dating to circa 4000 B.C., but never got around to it because of the demands of being a trustee of the New York City Police Department (“BACK THE BLUE!”)?…

…Or does she just maybe have her eye on frolicking in St. Julian’s, the nation’s legendary “parti” (that’s the Maltese) capital? It’s an island of beaches and European money. It knows how to, you know, party. In the Paceville neighborhood you can rave it at SkyClub Malta

and The Havana Club

or just greet the dawn from an alley you passed out in.

One thing’s for sure. Once Somers starts Malteasing their government, the future is gold!

*

(i) A BA degree available to anyone who can talk in the language of the country it’s earned in and chew gum at the same time.